


Duty of Care

by GirlWithSunInHerSmile



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: AU, Episode: s02e15 Threshold, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8615041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlWithSunInHerSmile/pseuds/GirlWithSunInHerSmile
Summary: Set after "Threshold"/AU The threshold was passed, but its effect stays with them, just like those from all their other Delta Quadrant exploits always will.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Threshold is without a DOUBT a terrible episode, but I have terrible tastes and a fondness for thinking of what could have been had Janeway's character been allowed past the straight-arrow scientist she ended up. My apologies in advance if you find it horrible.

It isn't until what will eventually be the Captain again is back on board and within the restraints in Engineering that the Doctor notices the sharp increase in her progesterone levels. He wonders for a second if he should reevaluate the procedure, see what this development is going to produce, but decides against it after thinking about the various factors (change of successful pregnancy, possible change of genome therapy working on infant, etc) that are against the pregnancy, if there even truly is one. For all he knew, Captain Janeway could simply be ovulating, and that would be a foolish reason to keep from transitioning her back to her original form.

When the levels don't go down after the first blast of anti-proton radiation and, in fact, her blood chemistry shows signs of human chorionic gonadotropin, the Doctor is stunned. There should be no way for an embryo to survive this sort of exposure, and yet, as far as the hologram can tell, whatever life is taking shape within the Captain seems to be doing just that.

By the time all vestiges of the salamander-like creature she once was are gone, the baby Captain Janeway is carrying had leveled out its growth rate and for all intents and purposes appears to be a typically 12-week old female human fetus. The Doctor stares at the screen before him showing the results of the scan he'd just run to confirm his medical tricorder's results, unable to understand how a viable pregnancy has managed to occur.

"It just doesn't make any sense." He mutters aloud to himself, forgetting any other presence in the room.

"What doesn't Doctor?" The hologram glances backwards towards Kes before returning to the monitor, knowing that regardless of the outcome, her role as medic will require her to be aware of the Captain's condition.

"Captain Janeway appears to be pregnant, something that rather goes against the medical odds, although that seems to be the case of most things on this ship."

"How can that be possible? I would think the anti-proton radiation would have been too much for a developing lifeform to withstand in the early stages of life."

"I have no explanation for it." The twosome continues to study the readings on the monitor for a few more moments before they are interrupted by the arrival of Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Tuvok, the two men wanting to check on the condition of their commanding officer and helmsman. The Doctor quickly dismisses the fetal scan from the monitor, preserving the Captain's privacy for as long as he can. While he has often times been accused of an insensitivity to the more emotional side of his patient's needs, the EMH isn't entirely oblivious to the finer points of bedside manner and doctor-patient confidentiality. He also has come to understand the mind behind Kathryn Janeway and he knows that while she might be able to easily move on from the offspring left behind on the planet they are now lightyears away from, a pregnancy is something she will find much harder to reconcile with her duty of command.

Several hours later the Doctor feels confident in waking Paris and Janeway. All bodily functions have returned to within normal parameters and it is now simply a case of allowing them a few days of rest to recover from the stress they'd endured. In theory, this period of evolution should become simply a distant memory over time.

Well, except for the pregnancy, but the Doctor is getting to that.

He wakes Tom up first, knowing that he has the least chance of any unexpected complications. It takes a minute for the lieutenant to come to and as he blinks his eyes against the lights of sickbay the Doctor can see the moment where at least some recognition of something going completely awry comes to Tom. He goes to sit up, the hologram quickly moving to help him, urging him to take it easy as he does so. When Paris catches sight of the still unconscious captain on the main biobed he lets out a pathetic sound of disappointment, realizing he must have been the cause of it.

"Mister Paris, don't alarm yourself. Everyone realizes you weren't in your right mind, Captain Janeway especially."

"Wha- "Tom coughs briefly, his throat unexpectedly dry. The Doctor reaches for a hypospray but Paris pushes his arm over further to a glass of water Kes must have placed earlier. When Tom manages to get a drink from it, he does so greedily, so much so that the Doctor wonders if he's suffering from some sort of dehydration. A quick scan reveals that's not the case. With his throat soothed, Tom manages to continue, "What did I do to her?"

"You took the Captain with you on a joyride to Warp 10. It took us 3 days to find you two and when we did… you weren't alone." Tom's eyes widen at the implication, flickering back over to the prone form of Janeway before looking back at the hologram. "You'd managed to produce 3 offspring in the short amount of time you were on the planet, which is a rather remarkable reproductive cycle if I might say so." At the way Paris was starting to blanch, it was safe to say the Doctor really shouldn't.

"Has the Captain been told?" Tom's voice was remarkably weak, far removed from the confident persona he usually projected. The Doctor couldn't say he was surprised, but it didn't mean he wasn't unsettled by it.

"I haven't woken her yet, but I plan on doing so in a few minutes." The news doesn't seem to bring the man any comfort, in fact his embarrassment and shame only seems to double knowing that he'll soon have to face his captain as her kidnapper. "Lieutenant, we both know the Captain well enough to know she's going understand you weren't in control during all this. She saw it with her own eyes in this very room. And yes, the issue of… offspring make it a bit more complicated, it's a well-documented fact that reproduction is often times a biologically driven- "

"You've made your point Doc" Paris' face was pinched in discomfort, although now not so much tinged with the depth of emotions he was showing moments before. Something about the familiarity of the situation, of being back in his own skin, was starting to put him more at ease.

The hologram only wished the pilot wasn't going to have the rug pulled out from under him with the news of the Captain's pregnancy.

He waited for Kes to arrive back in sickbay before moving to wake the Captain. The two of them had discussed it in advance and felt it was best to have the ocampan occupy Tom while the Doctor got Janeway up to speed on the biological aftermath of her transwarp adventure.

He would leave the full events briefing to the Commander.

She awoke with little fuss, her years of experience in waking up unexpectedly in various sickbays having eliminated a need to jump to confusion or panic. As the Doctor helps her sit up, she notices how bloated she feels, but dismisses it for now until she hears what exactly she went through. Her mind is still fuzzy, but she can remember brief moments in the shuttle as it powered to Warp 10 and can only assume she experienced the same evolution as her chief helmsman had.

Janeway takes the Doctor's briefing in without so much as a balk, even when she's told about the three offspring she produced. She knows that the eyes of her crew are on her, even if they are all intimately involved in this situation, and her calm acceptance sets an example for how to handle situations. She also anticipates that it will help swell the tide of embarrassment that she's sure Tom is feeling at that particular moment. Glancing across the room to where he's sitting, listening to Kes share some piece of information, their eyes briefly meet and she flashes a quick reassuring smile, the instinct to calm his nerves too great for her to ignore. It seems to help. She sees him let out a held in breath and nod back at her before returning his full attention back to Kes, giving the Captain privacy to finish her conversation with the Doctor.

"I do need to tell you, Captain, that there does appear to be a lasting side effect of your experience, unique to you." Arching an eyebrow, she straightens up slightly at the Doctor's statement, almost like she's physically bracing for the news. It's her command persona, the Doctor can tell, and it isn't surprising to see her fall into it at the hint of something being wrong.

"And would exactly would that be Doctor?"

"Right as I was about to administer your treatment, I noticed a spike in your progesterone levels. Considering all you'd gone through, I wasn't sure if was part of some hyper occurring reproductive cycle or if you were actually-" He stops himself from saying the word quite yet, something telling him to avoid it for a moment longer. "But considering that you were about to be exposed to doses of anti-proton radiation, I assumed that the situation would naturally take care of itself. I was wrong. It appears you're pregnant."

Her head tilts to the side slightly as she processes the information, giving no hint of the emotions she's feeling, save for her increase in blinking. After a moment, she swallows and clears her throat, her decision for how to continue on made.

"I'm assuming the fetus is healthy."

"Yes, surprisingly so in fact. After an initial period of intense growth that I can only assume was part of the evolved reproductive process, the rate of development has leveled out around the 12-week mark of gestation and her genetic makeup is consistent with that of current human evolution."

"Her?" The hologram cringes at his slip, having already become accustom to the idea of the Captain's pregnancy after spending the better part of the last day examining and still trying to understand how it survived, his program's awareness that is was best to be personal and engaging on the topic of a patient's developing child had already clicked into gear, spurred on, no doubt, by his ongoing treatment of Ensign Wildman. It's a choice he shouldn't have chosen to make, especially considering he had no certainty just how the Captain would choose to handle the situation.

"I apologize, Captain, I shouldn't have said- "

"No, it's quite alright. That's… information I'd like to have."

"Is there any other information, in particular, you might want to know? About the pregnancy or about… options relating to it?" It's an unsubtle attempt to try to gauge where her mind is at in terms of if she's planning on allowing the pregnancy to continue. The point of the comment is not lost on her.

"I don't anticipate terminating the pregnancy Doctor." She tells him, a trace of annoyance that he's trying to pry so soon after giving her this news evident. However, the aggravation slips away and a vague feeling of panic settles over her. "Although, I must admit, I'm struggling to see how this can possibly work." Her hands rub over her face as she settles into a quiet contemplation of the scenario she's been thrust into, the Doctor aware without being told that he's been dismissed. Walking away from the surgical bay, he shares a brief look with Kes before he goes into his office, preparing to work on the Captain's prenatal plan for the upcoming months. A few moments later, his assistant joins him.

"How's the Captain?" He considers Kes' question for a moment, wondering how to best articulate the state of their commanding officer.

"Conflicted, I'd say. She appears to want to continue with the pregnancy but I can imagine she'll struggle with the idea she's being selfish or the crew will see her actions as giving up by having a family out here." The young woman in front of him seems to give the matter some thought before sharing her conversation with Lieutenant Paris.

"Tom seemed especially concerned with how the Captain was while we were talking."

"I can imagine so. He's probably still concerned he'll be Ensign by the end of the week."

"No, it was more than that. He knows something isn't right with her." The EMH looks out his window to the biobed Paris is laying on. Having returned to rest after the ocampan came into the office, the Doctor can see that the man's head is turned not towards the ceiling or sickbay doors, but instead over in the direction of the surgical bay. Even if his eyes were now closed, it was evident that at some point he'd been watching the Captain.

"His instinct will serve this situation well. No matter what, she'll be unable to handle this all on her own, regardless of how she might think." The Doctor's penchant for gossip and speculation on the personal lives of the people on this ship might be a newly developing habit, but his having genuine medical opinions on almost all situations was not. "They'll both have to rise to the occasion."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters aren't normally this quick, I just was late posting this first one here. Hope you all like and would love to hear your feedback.

She has known she's pregnant for an hour and still Kathryn can't make sense of or find peace with the situation. There is no rule book for this, no lessons from command school that can truly apply. All she has to go on is the overwhelming feeling of guilt that has been her constant companion for the past year since Voyager has been stranded in the Delta Quadrant by her own actions. That feeling tells her she doesn't deserve to have a family, that it's a distraction from her mission and a disservice to her crew. A child will take away some of her attention, it will always hold her back from giving these souls she's responsible for her all.

And Kathryn's all is what they deserve.

But what about the baby?

Her hand involuntarily moves to cover her abdomen where the bloating she had dismissed earlier has now registered as her new companion. She's always wanted to have children, but personal tragedies and triumphs have always conspired against her. Now, it seems like the choice has been made for her, but how can she let it happen?

The idea that she would be able to walk to her quarters and be greeted with the sound of a laughing, thriving child while everyone else on the ship is faced with nothing but painful silence thanks to her choice makes her sick.

Kathryn can taste the guilt almost as badly as she did that first day after she destroyed the array and she doesn't like the bitterness.

The sound of Tom moving on his biobed across sickbay rouses her from her contemplation of herself and reminds her that the consequences of all this extend to him as well. He'd been hoping to get personal redemption out of this, a place in the history books… now she is going to have to tell him he is going to get a daughter out of it too.

This could have been worse… Harry could have been flying. Kathryn shudders at how bad that situation would have turned out. Having to tell Ensign Kim she was pregnant with his child would have ended in him dying, she was sure. Tom, well, she wasn't sure how Tom was going to take this news.

He had been right a few days earlier when he said that everyone had expected greatness from him. She could remember working under his father and hearing him talk with pride about Tom's latest flight sims or test results. She had moved on in her career by the time of his fall from grace so she hadn't seen the immediate aftermath, but she had met with Admiral Paris a few times in passing and the topic of Tom had been skirted over and avoided with such precision that she knew it was beyond a sore spot for the man. Admirals only avoided things that were painful, anything else they could deal with.

Now, while he certainly did have something to be proud of, breaking the threshold was no small matter, how was this lasting consequence of the flight going to color the experience? How was he going to take being forever tied to his captain?

My God, I'm having a child with Tom Paris.

It was like thoughts were not exactly hitting her in the right order.

Having a child together would completely change the very nature of the relationship between the two of them to a degree that at the very least would be highly frown upon by Starfleet command. Had they been in the Alpha Quadrant, there wasn't a chance in hell the two of them would be on the same ship anymore.

The hand that had been on her stomach now came up to the bridge of her nose, pinching it to stave off the growing tension there. Sitting and thinking and stewing was not getting her anywhere and her sense of morals was telling her that Tom deserved to know what was going on sooner rather than later.

But that would require knowing what she was doing, and she still wasn't there yet, was she?

No, this was too complex, too multi-faceted of a situation. This at the very heart was the dilemma that had haunted her her entire career: her femininity versus her authority.

As enlightened as Starfleet was, stopping to have a family would have meant it would have been years later for her to get her first command. Voyager would have never been her ship… she'd have been assigned the safe missions; the ones where the safety of the crew was almost always certain and mothers could always be returned home to their children. That wasn't her life though, that wasn't Kathryn Janeway. Kathryn Janeway longed for exploration, longed for the thrill that came with it, good or bad. She took it all in and thirsted for more.

But that didn't mean she also didn't want people to come home to, though. She wanted a husband, she wanted children. She wanted someone she could love and would love her in return.

She wanted this baby.

But there were a lot of things Kathryn Janeway wanted that she couldn't have.

Like, Mark.

Oh, Mark….

How she missed that man. He would have been the perfect counterbalance for her. Stable, secure, patience. He was a civilian and used to her almost manic work ethic. But it didn't bother him… he was used to it, and he somehow still loved her for it.

It was hard to think of him in the past tense, but if this situation was doing nothing else, it was making her a realist, and she had to realize that, more likely than not, Mark was not going to be an option for her when they got home. Even if he did wait around for her, which, with a year having passed with no end in sight, was looking to be a long wait for him, would it be fair for her to expect him to handle the baggage that would come from this whole situation… be it a child or the scar of making the decision not to have it?

No, Mark Johnson loved Alpha Quadrant Kathryn Janeway, a woman who hadn't had to make the choice between death to a species or damnation for her crew, who hadn't made the command decisions where no one really wins, just her conscience manages to ache a little less.

Delta Quadrant Kathryn Janeway was someone he might struggle to recognize. She was becoming rougher, calloused… and penitent. She wasn't an idiot; she was aware of her tendency to seek absolution for her actions at the expense of her own self. She'd work herself to death to get this crew home. She'd already been chastised numerous times by the EMH for her inability to practice proper self-care, Chakotay kept a running tally of her coffee intake on a PADD and made subtle comments when she hit his unhealthy mark, even Tuvok would suggest she consider meditating from time to time (which really just turned into her taking a nap, but the point was he cared).

Not only am I wracked with guilt, burdened with command, but I'm only not dead because other people remind me to keep myself alive.

She just didn't want this crew to think less of her. To hate her even more than they must already do for stranding them out here. If she had this baby, would they assume she was settling in for the long-haul? She'd never been comfortable with Chakotay's discussion of a generational ship so many months ago because it made it seem like she would be accepting of the fact that they would be out here for a long time. She couldn't accept that, she wouldn't.

But it wasn't like she and Tom had gone out, had a few drinks, committed themselves fully to a life together, and then embarked on a passionate love affair they intended to cement together with a child.

We were lizards for God's sake.

That was it, really, they hadn't been in their right minds. They hadn't had a choice in any of this. This child, this girl, was a complete accident, and the crew would understand that.

Now she just needed to figure out how she could function objectively when she had a child to worry about. Kathryn knew that a mother's love was going to feel even greater than the feeling of duty and loyalty and protectiveness she felt over all the souls she was responsible for on this ship. She was already getting a taste for it now, a deep feeling in her soul that made her subconsciously move her hand up to her stomach every once in awhile in gentle reassurance for the life that was there. It felt wrong to her to favor anyone on the ship though, and she realized that, as a consequence of all this, her favor would, without a doubt, extend to Tom as well.

But could she honestly say to herself she didn't, just a little bit, already favor her senior staff above the rest of the crew? That she would drop everything if Kes needed her or give Neelix whatever latitude he required?

This would be different, though. This would cause a hesitation in her ability to place Tom in dangerous situations. She'd always second-guess herself before she sent the father of her child out on an away mission that might mean he didn't come back to his little girl. It would always require her to swallow more panic and nerve than she was already used to.

People assumed that her calm, steely resolve in battle meant that she didn't feel the pang of nerves, the contradictory icy hotness of panic every time the ship quacked for an unknown reason. The very opposite was the case. Kathryn Janeway ran the gamut of emotions every day, but years of training taught her to keep them closely in check. Her new situation would threaten that dynamic.

It would also give the hint of fraternizing with a crewmember.

It was a no-win scenario the more she thought about it.

So, what if she just stopped thinking about it for one second and just let her gut tell her what to do? After all, hadn't that been what she'd been relying on for the past year out here? Sure, she thought things through and used her mind, but so much of what got Kathryn through the battles, the hardest days during Voyager's journey so far had been instinct.

Go for it Kathryn. You know this is it and you know you want to keep her.

Tom couldn't sleep, not until he'd heard from the Captain, and he could tell that something was keeping her awake from the sounds of rustling fabric he'd hear every once-in-awhile. Plus, Kes and the Doctor playing divide and conquer earlier before reconvening in the EMH's office had been another dead giveaway. The worry that something had gone wrong in her treatment, that his action had scarred her in some way was leaving him remarkably unsettled and every part of him wanted to go over and check on her.

But wasn't how it was done.

Not just because she was the Captain… Hell, he'd started to ignore those lines of protocol a few months ago after a couple of nights of pool in Sandrine's among the senior staff. He understood that sometimes she needed the crew to make the first move for her because she still wasn't sure where she stood with them… if they hated her or not. Not to mention the old Starfleet rulebook, but that was slowly loosening in Voyager's weird situation.

It worried him she walked around thinking half the people who served under her would spit on her if they could. It couldn't be a good feeling. It also really wasn't true anymore. Sure, people might never fully get over the choice Kathryn Janeway made on their behalf, they might feel she hadn't had the right to, no matter how much command structure had been drilled into them in Starfleet or, to a lesser degree, the Maquis, but they got it now. And, most importantly, the crew respected her for what they saw her do every day, work herself to exhaustion to get them home.

That was the beauty of this ship, somehow, amidst all this untold and never-ending danger they were finding themselves in (seriously, it was like every week they were one phaser shot away from meeting their maker), it was turning into a community where redemption and reinvention were commonplace. Tom knew that some people still didn't trust him, the Commander very quickly coming to mind, but at the same time he knew a lot of people did, a hell of a lot more than when he first stepped foot on this ship, and that meant a lot to him.

And he had the Captain's trust. That meant even more.

Or at least he had. For all he knew he'd accidentally caused her to permanently have gills and she was never going to forgive him.

When he finally hears her sitting up, sounding like she's preparing to get off the biobed, his first instinct is to head for the hills. Tom isn't proud of it. He's grown in a lot of ways on board this ship, he understands you have to own up to your mistakes and the consequences of your actions, but when it comes to women they're the one thing that always get to him, especially when they have the power to demote you. Her gentle footsteps coming his way making him gulp before he sits up, his eyes quickly doing a sweep of her approaching figure and finding the lack of gills to bring him a surprisingly tangible amount of relief.

"Captain, I'm…" He starts out uneasily as he swings his legs over the edge of his biobed so he's facing her where she's decided to sit on the one across from him. He sees that she's looking him over, checking to make sure he's ok and it makes him smile briefly, something she notices.

"Something amusing Tom?"

"Um, no ma'am, it's just nice to know you still care after I…" He trails off at that point, unsure what the best word to say in the situation is. He knows what he wants to say kidnapped you and forced you to mate, but he's not sure she's ready for the bluntness of his words. Janeway must sense where his mind is taking him, that jokes won't work in this scenario because she reaches out a hand and grabs his in reassurance, a gesture that almost surprises him.

"Tom, you didn't do anything. As far as I or anyone else on this ship is concerned, Tom Paris lost control of himself hours after he made that transwarp flight. What we saw was an evolutionary process happening in… hours-"

"That wasn't that pretty." Janeway had to chuckle at that, her hand gently letting go of Tom's and drawing back to her lap where she watched it for a second.

"Yes, that hadn't been that pretty, or left you in any sort of sound mind." Looking back up, a fierceness in her eyes that he was unexpecting and unprepared for, she met his and said the next words very clearly. "Nothing that happened on that flight is anyone's fault. We are Starfleet officers and sometimes the unexpected is part of the job."

"Captain, what is it you aren't saying?" Kathryn smiled, somewhat sadly, at Tom's cutting to the chase. She wasn't sure what she was hoping for in this discussion, maybe more polite small talk, more chances for her to use all the morale boasting-inspirational pep talk training she's had drilled into her. She should have known she wouldn't get that from Tom. For God's sake, Owen probably raised him on it.

"The Doctor informed me he let you know about the 3 offspring we had on the planet." Tom shifts uncomfortably at the sentence, his embarrassment clear. Oh, just you wait for it Paris, there isn't going to be enough room in this sickbay for you to get far enough away from me in a moment. "It would appear, that we have a 4th." Tom's blue eyes go wide, his brow furrowing with confusion and for a moment he looks around sickbay like he's trying to see the being she's talking about. "I'm pregnant Tom. It's a girl, the growth rate was apparently accelerated for a time, but she settled down at 12 weeks."

She's never really known Tom Paris to be completely at a loss for words. In fact, that was what many commanding officers in his personnel file had always commented had been one of his downfalls. In this moment, however, he doesn't appear to be able to formulate anything to say. He's looking back at her now, his eyes slightly shiny but she can't pinpoint why. He keeps glancing down to her lap where he now knows his child is before looking back at her face, almost as if he's trying to reconcile the two realities. It's almost 5 minutes before he finally says something.

"Permission to speak freely?"

"Granted."

"That last hour you spent over on the other biobed, that was you trying to figure out what to do about all this, wasn't it?" Kathryn sighs, not wanting to revisit her hour-long hell, but also knowing she has to grant him whatever he needs to process this.

"Yes, yes it was. Having a child while being the most senior officer not only on this ship but in this quadrant, isn't an easy decision to make."

"It's also not easy when you carry a shipload of guilt on your shoulders." Instinctively her eyes narrow and her command façade prepares to come out, ready to tell him off for daring to touch at something so personal, no matter who he is, but then she really looks at Tom, and she sees something in his eyes she hasn't seen in someone in a long time, understanding.

"Yes, you're right, there are a lot of factors I had to consider. How it will impact my ability to command, how other species we run into might see me, how this crew will view me having a child with a subordinate, and that doesn't even begin to hit on how I'll actually manage the day-to-day things like feedings and diapers with morning briefings…" She trails off, thinking about all the replicator rations a nursery and childcare require and silently groans. Tom once again stays silent for a moment, still not entirely sure what to say but clearly not going through the same mental acrobatics as Janeway had earlier.

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you and say I think I'm ready to be a father. We both know I was in a penal colony just over a year ago and before I had this breaking the threshold project to work on I wasn't exactly winning any best in class award, but there is one thing I can tell you that I am definitely sure of, this crew has the utmost respect for you Captain. They see what you do for us every day at the expense of yourself and it makes them realize how hard all this is for you… and they want to see you happy just as much as the next person. So, if you're worried about them, don't be." It wasn't intentional, she swore she wasn't in control of it, but Kathryn felt a small tear trickle down the side of her face and she found herself ducking her head quickly to hide it, knowing that it wouldn't help but trying to anyway. Brushing it aside, she looked back up at Tom, a smile on his face of reassurance.

"I've decided to continue on with the pregnancy," She told him, before quickly realizing she should add an addendum. "You are by no means obligated to-"

"No, no, Captain, stop." Tom's smile was sadder now, but it was still truthful. "I said I might not be ready now, but I can be. And I always told myself if I was given the opportunity to be a father I'd be damn sure I'd put my all into it." Kathryn sensed there was something there, something in the dynamic of the Paris men that put a fire under Tom when it came to this subject. Her impulse was to let it go, but it occurred to her that understanding who Tom would be as a parent would be something she'd have to get to know, in addition to a great deal of other things about the man. Tom Paris might very well end up being the strongest relationship she had on this ship.

This was not what she'd expected when she'd met him in that penal colony.

"Well, I guess that means we're going to be parents." It's the way she says it, the soft tones, the timid emotions finally gone between them and that Janeway voice of certainty that come out of her mouth that suddenly seems to bring them both an extreme amount of peace with the situation. Well, at least for now. Tom is sure that by the time he's alone in his quarter's he'll have some sort of epic meltdown that might involve a stash of ale he keeps hidden in the cargo bay next to the Commander's and a cry in Sandrine's. For Janeway, she knows her brain won't keep her worrying at bay for years to come and if it manages to stop for the pregnancy, it will only get worse when she actually has a child to look after.

"Wait, did you say it was a girl?" Tom's comment, spoken with a hint of humor and feigned horror draws Kathryn out of her thoughts and back to reality.

"Yes, yes I did."

"If we're not back on earth, she needs to be locked in the brig at 18 for her own safety… and my sanity"

"Tom!" Finally, the Captain lets out a laugh, a real one this time, quickly followed up by more light-hearted comments from Tom and in his lab, the EMH smiles, finally one concern down, still several more to go.


	3. Chapter 3

Pacing his quarters did nothing to calm his mind. In fact, like most of his time spent in confined spaces, it only served to agitate Tom further. He and the Captain had been released from sick bay on the condition they rest for the next day before returning to light duty for the following 48 hours. The Captain’s protests were met with a firm reminder that not only had she gone through a unique genomic procedure that could have unknown after effects, but she was also now pregnant and could no longer take risks with her own life without also risking that of her unborn child.

Her arched eyebrow followed by silence was all the Doctor got in return, indicating an accepting but unwelcome compliance with his orders.

Now that Tom was alone, no Doc or Kes to act as a buffer and no Captain to stay calm for the reality of the situation was starting to sink in.

He was going to be a father.

_How did this spiral so far out of control?_

All Tom had wanted was something he could be proud of, a piece of history to call his own… now he was going to end up being responsible for someone else’s life for the rest of his. He looked around his quarters, tried to picture them with all the trappings of things a baby would need, and then wondered if that would ever actually happen. Would the baby just always stay in Janeway’s quarters? Would she have his last name? Would they have shared custody? What do you do with a baby during a battle? Should he replicate her a little protective bubble or something?

The hardest part about all of this was that he didn’t have anyone he could really talk to about it. Not yet at least. The Captain had asked for time so she could figure out how best to handle the situation on a command level and he understood and respected that. He didn’t envy her the battle that must be going on in her mind right now. Years of living with the epitome of Starfleet told him how hard going so far off the command script was for someone who lived so close to it. He only wished he could offer her some more help in the situation besides the lighthearted jokes and sidebar comments he’d thrown out in sickbay to get a smile to appear on her face.

Truthfully, it wasn’t a matter of could so much as was comfortable doing so. Part of him held back from a deep conversation because he knew it wasn’t his place… her confidantes were Tuvok and Chakotay and he respected that ship hierarchy for fear of getting phasered by at least one of the men. Plus, he never felt like he was worthy of sharing deep, intimate thoughts with Kathryn Janeway, a woman whom his father had once told him should be held up as an example to all his classmates in the academy.

Boy, what would his father say now if he knew Kathryn Janeway was going to be the mother of his grandchild?

That was a scary thought, picturing Owen Paris’ reaction to all this. Even though it wasn’t anyone’s fault, per say, Tom was sure that somehow his father would find himself disapproving of everything. He was used to being a failure in the eyes of his father now, Tom wasn’t sure why he even bothered trying to be anything different or cared about changing the Admiral’s opinion.

It wasn’t like they were on speaking terms at the moment anyway.

Or likely would be anytime soon.

No, Tom only needed to worry about two people right now, and one of them wasn’t born yet, so that took off some of the pressure. However, the year he’d spent on Voyager had told him enough about Kathryn Janeway to tell him that their new, multi-faceted relationship was going to be an interesting one, to say the least. He doubted it would be the one he’d hoped he’d have with the mother of his child, that was for sure.

_Damn Tom, you’re going to be a dad._

He ran his fingers through his hair as he continued to pace, frustrated that this wasn’t happening at a better time with a better woman.

Scratch that last part, it wasn’t that Janeway wasn’t a good woman, not at all. Hell, if they weren’t where they were and he was a bolder man without a felony record, he wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to make a move on her. She was bold and feisty and intelligent and beautiful… she reminded him of one of those film actresses he used to see in the movies he’d watch from Earth’s 20th century. She screamed independence, tenacity, energy, and confidence in just one look, but behind it, you knew there was so much more, but you never could quite get to see it because the camera only gave you so much. In the case of the Captain, it was her own shields that blocked most people out. She had to, she had a command presence to maintain, and normally that would be fine, but now she had almost nowhere to take the shields down and just breathe, and Tom had close experience with what high-strung Starfleet command personnel turned into after a while.

No, for her sake, and for the child they now apparently were going to have, he had to make it a point to help ease her burden, even if it was only slightly.

“ _Kim to Paris”_

Tom jumped at the sound of Harry’s voice over the communicator, forgetting for a second that a world existed outside of the weird situation he now found himself in. Shaking his head to clear his mind and attempt a semblance of normalcy, he slapped his comm badge to reply.

“Paris here.”

“ _You’re alive! Come on down to the Mess Hall, B’Elanna and I want to see for ourselves your tail is gone!”_ Tom heard another laugh that can only be B’Elanna and for a second he thought about joining them, but then he remembered that just going to be a room full of people he can’t tell what’s going on, that are going to be looking at him, ready for the genetic mutations to pop back up.

“I don’t know Harry, I’m not sure I feel like braving a radiation treatment and Neelix’s cooking in the same week.” His excuse fell slightly flat, even though it was said with the same normal humor and bravado that marked his exchanges.

“ _We figured you’d say that. That’s why we replicated a pizza and are outside your quarters.”_ The door beeped for entry, the sound reverberating through the comm signal and his room. Chuckling and resigning himself to his fate, Tom called for the door to let his friends in, attempting to momentarily forget his current predicament. Putting on a smile, he stood up and greeted the two with a quick spin.

“Look human?”

“I think it would have been nice if you’d have stayed without a tongue personally.” B’Elanna’s sarcastic reply as she sat town the food she was holding was met with laughter by all as pleasantries were exchanged and all the expected questions were asked. They seemed to avoid asking too much about the Captain, although B’Elanna’s off-handed comment that he could have had a pick of her and the other female crewmembers in Engineering but he just _had_ to take the Captain did give him momentary pause, a point he’d never quite considered in the hubbub of the past couple of days.

“Well you know, if you’re going to go down, aim high as you can so you can at least go out in a blaze of glory.” He finally dryly added, raising his glass before taking a drink, as if saluting the idea.

“Still, that must have made for one awkward sickbay conversation. ‘Sorry Captain for getting you turned into a lizard and the three kids. Can I keep these pips?’” The three laughed, although Tom’s was a struggle in maintaining composure. Luckily it was easy to pass off as latent embarrassment over the whole encounter and soon enough they were back enjoying an easy banter, even if Tom’s participation was a bit more half-hearted.

By the time the two of them left 2 hours later, Tom was beginning to fill the slightest bit more at ease, but once alone again he was reminded of all the unknowns he had to tackle and suddenly he couldn’t stand just letting the issue continue to hang out there between the Captain and himself with only the acknowledgement a baby was coming and something was going to have to be done about it.

“Computer, locate Captain Janeway.”

_“Captain Janeway is in her quarters.”_

“Is she alone?”

“ _Affirmative”_

No time like the present.

 

Kathryn had been sitting at her desk since she returned from sickbay and managed to change into something a bit more comfortable. A loose-fitting shirt and pants did the trick, keeping her presentable in case anyone stopped by, but also able to climb into bed if she felt like it.

_Like you’re really going to take a nap._

It was a ludicrous idea, really. She hadn’t napped since she was a 5-year-old and they had been forced upon her in school. It wasn’t that Kathryn didn’t enjoy to sleep, far be it, but she much rather enjoyed being constantly aware of what was going on around her and knowing everything there was to know about Voyager at any given moment. That was why she had promptly sat herself down in front of her desk and began to churn through reports, seeing everything she’d missed in the days she’d been out of commission.

The PADD she’d left lying on the edge of the desk kept calling to her, though, reminding her it needed to be read too. It was the Doctor’s prenatal plan for her, something he insisted she read before she saw him again to be released for regular duty. She’d taken biology classes at the academy, she knew what needed to be done during a pregnancy to ensure a healthy child. That being said, she was also aware that she often times didn’t practice all those necessary behaviors on a regular basis… or in the case of proper nutrition, ever.

Or relaxation.

Or sleep.

If this was a mission debrief, she wouldn’t be doing so hot.

Sighing and pausing in her reports, she rubbed the back of her neck for a second before she grabbed the PADD and leaned back in her chair, beginning to scroll through it. The Doctor deemed her a “high-risk” pregnancy, not, as it turned out, because of age, but because of her general disregard for her own personal health and safety. Bi-weekly visits to sickbay were required and he expected to see her increase her use of recreational time and ship’s nutritional resources, be it the mess hall or the replicators. A list of needed nutrients and additional “top tips” were included in the plan and she read them with the precision she read every single other report that came across her desk.

Once she’d decided on and accepted the fact she was going to be a mother, Kathryn Janeway approached the situation as she always did: head first. There were so many different things she had to consider and plan out over the next 6 months, but the one thing she knew without a doubt was she had to keep herself and this baby alive and healthy. Taking in what the Doctor had to say, even if it was delivered in a less than complimentary tone at times, was going to be a necessary part of all this.

Considering how far along the pregnancy had already progressed, she didn’t have much time to get ducks-in-a-row before she needed to start telling people. Uniforms weren’t forgiving and she wasn’t sure when this bloating feeling was going to turn into a discernable bump and even before that happened, there was the chance she’d develop morning sickness or some other pregnancy related phenomenon that would require her to spill the beans so to speak.

But telling people required answers to questions she didn’t have ready yet, not without a discussion with Tom.

In all of this, she wished she had a better idea of what to expect from her chief helmsman. The Tom Paris she’d heard of while she’d risen through the ranks at Starfleet didn’t exist anymore, neither did the felon she took out of the penal colony in New Zealand. In just a year he’d already changed so much, become a respected member of this crew by so many, herself included. She could only hope his tendency for adaptation and reinvention extended to fatherhood.

The door chime drew her out of her contemplation, the PADD quickly placed on her desk facing downward. She imagined Chakotay was on the other side coming to check on her, something he said he’d do after his shift was over and she called for the person on the other side to come in without much thought that it might be someone else.

“Good evening Captain, I hope I’m not interrupting.”

It was Tom, and for a crewmember who had never set foot inside the Captain’s quarters, he didn’t seem too uneasy. Kathryn wasn’t sure if it was their current situation or just the general sort of banter and comradery they’d developed between them already… or possibly just Tom’s easygoing demeanor as it was to uncomfortable situations.

“Not at all.” She stood up from her desk and gestured over to her sitting area, Tom accepting the unspoken invitation to take a seat. Grabbing the PADD she’d been looking at just moments before she joined him, glad to see he’d chosen the sofa and left her favorite chair. “I was just talking a look at my homework from the Doctor. He sure knows how to make a patient feel bathed in his healing glow.” Tom laughed at her dry remark, sensing the Doctor had let a few personal frustrations slip into his report.

“Is there anything I can do to- “Tom searched for the right words, “help you study?” They felt wrong still, but they were the best he had.

“I’m afraid this is more of a lecture about me taking care of myself than anything else, but I’ll let you know if I find myself in need of any replicator rations. I heard you’ve got yourself quite a little nest egg.” Tom cleared his throat uncomfortable for a second, looking like he was preparing to defend or confess to the gambling ring he’d been running, but the raising of her hand stayed his words. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to shut you down, from what I’ve heard your little foray in bookmaking is proving to be a welcome distraction for a lot of people, and God knows they need it.”

“Well, that’s me, always looking out for my fellow shipmates.”

“I’m sure it must take great self-sacrifice on your part.”

“It’s a chore to get up every day ma’am.”

“Tom, you’re in my quarters and I’m assuming you’re here to talk about the child we’re apparently now having, so how about we drop the formalities, hmm?” Letting out a relieved breath, Tom smiled and nodded, glad that she’d named and shamed the elephant in the room into submission. “Speaking of which, I better get in some of my required nutrients before our EMH figures out how to make a house call. Would you like something?” She got up to head over to her replicator, her question thrown back over her shoulder with an ease that Tom, quite frankly, hadn’t been expecting.

“No, thanks, Harry and B’Elanna ambushed me with a pizza in my quarters, but, umm, use my rations, as you said, I have enough.” He stood up to enter in his code, forgetting for a moment that she, as captain, really didn’t need him to get into his ration account.

“There’s no need for that.”

“No, please, I insist. Consider this my first act of fatherly care.” They were now both at her replicator, not exactly at a stalemate, but very quickly into a conversation that they had both expected to more gentle walk into instead of run full speed like they had.

“I don’t- “Kathryn closed her eyes for a second, stilling the response that was about to come out of her mouth. She recognized the fact that this was a hard situation for both of them, that Tom was struggling to figure out how he was going to be able to play a part in all this in between all the different walls and lines she’d drawn up for herself around this crew over the past year. She had to give to make this work, that was all there was to it. “Alright, you can take care of it.”

She requested a pot roast, a relatively hearty meal that Tom was taken by surprise by. Her normal fare always seemed more light whenever she’d eaten in the mess hall, but most people never quite ate to their full potential with Neelix’s cooking. Against the fullness of his stomach, Tom found himself partaking in a small piece, more to keep the situation from simply becoming a performance piece of _Captain at Dinner_ with him the only spectator. As they shared a light conversation, his eyes couldn’t help but wander at times, taking in the size of her quarters. They were almost palatial next to his, but still, after a time they would prove to be too small for a toddling child who needed their own room.

“I’ll have to have a room added on eventually.” Kathryn remarked out of the blue, placing her fork on her cleared plate.

“How did you…?”

“Clever guess?” She offered, gesturing towards his plate as if to ask if he was finished before picking it up when he nodded. “Plus it’s one of the few takeaways I have from Ensign Wildman’s situation to go off of.” She dumped the plates into the recycler before returning to her seat, taking a sip of a water she’d resigned herself to drinking. “That and Voyager is going to have to figure out childcare facilities for when parents are on shift.”

“Much easier when both parents are on the ship.” Tom’s comment made Kathryn cringe slightly, a reminder of how she had it easier than one of her crew was already a sore spot, a potential for questions of her judgment and dedication to them all by others. “That’s not supposed to be a bad thing.”

“I’m aware, however - “This was one of those barrier situations, where Tom was standing outside a wall and she had to make a very conscious choice to either open a window for them to talk though, a door for him to walk in, or simply barricade herself deeper. Up until now, it had been easier, her actions motivated by a need to make him at ease, something she found herself constantly doing with her crew, sometimes when protocol might have preferred otherwise. This time, she would be the one sharing a vulnerability, something she hadn’t found herself admitting to on this ship in a very long time. “I’m just having a hard time trying to figure out how all this is going to work along with everything else we have to contend with.” She shook her head as a mental list of all the things that could go wrong exclusive to her position scrolled in her mind.

“Cap-thyn?” Tom slipped from her title to her name in one swoop as his brain tried to honor her request from earlier a bit later then his mouth began to speak. He still spoke it like a question, though, to make sure he hadn’t dropped the formalities a bit too far. When she nodded, he continued. “I don’t for one second think that you, of all people, can’t make this situation work. I didn’t think we would survive a week out here when you decided to mix the two crews, but look at us now.”

“That’s just it. I have to lead by a Starfleet example and by the idea that I will give everything to see this ship get back to Earth. I can’t have anyone second guessing my dedication… or my impartiality.”

“I don’t anyone would ever question how much you want to get us home and if anything, having a baby should only want to strengthen that. I mean, come on, Voyager’s a great ship, but it isn’t exactly anyone’s ideal childrearing environment. And as for impartiality, well, I don’t intend on asking for any favors and I wouldn’t expect to receive any more of a chance at something than anyone else. All I’m asking for is that I get to play a part in this child’s life.”

“Trust me, Tom, you’ll be playing much more than a part. There’s no way in hell I’m raising this baby on my own.”

He could tell his words had done a small part in belaying some of her fears, but there would never be enough words said by any other person to completely stifle the concerns in Kathryn Janeway’s mind. Her constant, arrow-straight focus on what comes next is what keeps her and her crew going. There will be no end to her worries about all this, just an oscillation in the degree of how much attention she pays the issue. For now, Tom has claimed a minor victory, and he won’t forget it.

“So is this going to turn into one of those joint custody situations or- “

“Let’s get through at least a month of knowing there is a child before we start thinking about that, hmm?” She was deflecting, both of them can tell, but a reprieve in this whirlwind is needed if only for a little while. Tom nodded before looking down, unsure of what to say if it’s not related to the new life they both are a part of. It’s stupid, he thinks, because he’s never been one to be awkward around the Captain, and he finds himself speaking to fill the silence he fears will quickly become uncomfortable.

“I don’t think we should give up on experimenting with enhancing propulsion.” Janeway’s eyebrows raise but she doesn’t say anything, ushering him on with his conversation with her eyes. “I mean, obviously Warp 10 is out, but there are several other theoretical models I think Harry, B’Elanna, and I should take a stab at.”

“I didn’t know you had a passion for propulsion theory. I mean, I did see your academic transcripts but- “Tom’s surprised reaction causes her to roll her eyes, “Do you really think I’d pluck you out of prison without knowing your personnel file inside and out?” Chuckling lightly, Tom takes a sip of his drink before replying.

“Well then, I guess you know about my A+ in Advanced Subspace Geometry.”

“I always thought there must have been a fluke with your transcript. I know the instructor for that class and he never gives anything above an A-.”

“Sometimes even the toughest graders have to bow down and acknowledge greatness.” Kathryn stared at Tom’s gloating face for a moment before she found herself dissolving into laughter, her helmsman finding he quite liked the sound. Breaking out into a smile, Tom quickly followed his comment with proof, launching into an animated riff on the transwarp theory that earned him his final grade. If he’d been meaning to impress the Captain, he did a good job, her inquisitive nature causing her to stop him every once and awhile to ask him a question. The conversation was light but engaging, allowing them both an opportunity to stretch their mental legs on the question of what possible ways, outside of the basic warp drive, the ship could use to get them to Earth faster.

When Janeway’s door chimed over half an hour later she called the person on the other side in with a smile, one that only faltered slightly when she saw it was Chakotay and she remembered the conversation that they had to have. The moment she told someone else about this pregnancy was the moment it became absolutely real. The more people involved, the more it crept into her role as captain and the logistics of all that were going to be messy. There were still so many unanswered questions in this situation though and from a command perspective, it did her no favors to keep it from her XO. If this all went south tomorrow, Chakotay would have to pick up the pieces on the work front, and he deserved to know what might swing his way.

Tom’s eyes flickered from the sight of Chakotay entering the room back to the Captain, taking in her slight tense as a sign that she was anticipating an uncomfortable conversation. Some part of him had hoped that she’d keep the secret between the two of them a little bit longer, but secrets between people often engendered an intimacy that neither one of them were prepared for.

For his part, the Commander was taken aback at the sight of the Captain and Lieutenant Paris casually sitting in conversation in her quarters. In the year they’d been stranded in the Delta Quadrant, he’d only known the Captain to invite himself or Tuvok into her confidence. Seeing Tom sitting there so comfortably, especially considering the events of the past few days, was not at all what he’d expected.

“I apologize for intruding, I can come back later if you-“

“Oh, I was just getting ready to excuse myself actually.” Tom stood up from his chair, graciously choosing to exit in order to alleviate some of the tension in the room and also clear the way for whatever discussion was about to be had.

 “Thank you for stopping by Tom.” She flashed him a smile, her gratitude in her eyes.

“Thank you for having me, Captain.” He returned her look before turning towards the other man and giving a perfunctory nod. “Commander”

Chakotay’s answering nod was tight, his skepticism about Paris clear. Kathryn found herself instantly dreading the rest of her night, her unease not leaving with Tom, although Chakotay’s tension seemed to.

“I have the final reports for the transwarp - - incident for you to look over.” He offered a PADD to her, Janeway reaching out to take it from his grasp. She started to scroll through it briefly, gesturing for Chakotay to take a seat on the couch as she moved to her favorite chair. “I also wanted to see how you were doing. I guess having guests is a good sign, although I have to say, I wasn’t expecting Tom Paris to be seen within 500 yards of you for a few days.” Her silence threw him off, Chakotay noticing her focus on the report had strayed as she seemed to be considering something. “Captain?”

“Tom and I had something to discuss… something I’d like to talk about with you as well.” Kathryn put her reading down on the side table beside her and looked towards Chakotay. Her face was guarded, whatever it was that she wanted to talk about he knew it was something that didn’t have a clear path for her to follow and couldn’t be solved with her _guns blazing_ approach. He still wasn’t expecting anything of the magnitude of her next words.

“I’m pregnant.”

She was met with silence, the only discernable reaction from him being the widening of his eyes and the slackening of his jaw.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

He must have misheard her.

That was it.

She was talking about the past tense, the brief time in her hyper-evolved form where she’d been carrying the offspring he’d ordered left behind. Something must be wrong with her speech center and she was confusing word tenses… yes, that had to be it.

Because if it wasn’t and Kathryn Janeway was actually pregnant with Tom Paris’ child, well… well, Chakotay wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

“Captain, did you just say that you’re…”

“That I’m pregnant? Yes, yes I did.” Kathryn watched the play of emotions across Chakotay’s face and knew now with certainty that the loyalty her first officer demonstrated to her daily had a root in feelings beyond that which were platonic. She couldn’t miss the bit of jealousy that colored his expressions… or the discomfort.

“Congratulations.” His face had settled into a slightly pained smile. It was clear there was a part of him that was genuinely happy for her, but it was also clear that a greater part of him was unsettled. Kathryn wondered if his reaction would have been different if it was another member of the crew instead of Paris that was the father. She imagined it would only slightly make a difference.

At the end of the day, he still wouldn’t be the father.

“Thank you. I can’t imagine any of this will be easy, but a part of me is quite happy.” She allows the twitches of joy she’s kept at bay for the past couple of days to finally fan out and Chakotay couldn’t help but be slightly awed by the grin Kathryn flashes him. It’s unrestrained and lights up her entire face and is all it takes for him to devote himself to making sure that joy always has a place across her features.

“You’ll have my support in any way you need it, Captain, that is IF you-“

“I will need it Chakotay.” Kathryn reached out her hand to clasp his, a small gesture meant to convey just how true the statement was. “I wasn’t lying back when I told you I wasn’t sure Voyager was a place to raise a child, but it seems now we don’t have a choice anymore. And for me… well, I can’t imagine I’ll make any of this easy on myself.” It’s probably the most accurate statement she’s made about herself in quite a while. Very rarely, if ever, did she accept the path of least resistance, and her tendency towards self-flagellation predated her time in Starfleet by years. That wasn’t to say Kathryn Janeway wasn’t a happy person, far from it, but when she disappointed herself there was no greater critic. She would find herself failing throughout this new journey she was on and she would be angry with herself, she just had to learn how to deal with that anger in better ways.

"I think you'll find this ship and its crew rising to the occasion, Captain. A child is a blessing for its entire village." She smiled at Chakotay's words, doubtful though she may be. Would the crew begrudge her happiness and deal with her split focus? How would her daughter feel about having a mother who cared for her job just as much as, if not more than at times, her own flesh and blood?

"I don't know Chakotay, there are going to be things I can't do anymore. I'm supposed to be larger than life to these people. I'm supposed to set an example for dedication to the cause and-" She drew her hand back, shaking her head as she did so.

"And why is any of that going to change?" He was genuinely curious and unwilling to let this opportunity to get inside the captain's head go to waste. She had never been so open before in the time he'd known her and Chakotay guessed it would be unlikely for her to be this way again for quite a while. Sure, pregnancy might make her more emotional, but genuine openness was hard to anticipate. "This is a chance to show people that they can still desperately want to get home and still have a life here on this ship. You can set an amazing example here, not just for your crew, but for your child too."

"Daughter."

"Excuse me?"

"You said my child because you didn't know the gender. I thought you might like to know it's a girl." He gave her a soft smile, one you'd reserve for delicate moments.

"Well then, you have a chance to set an amazing example for your daughter... one I have every faith you'll take.” Chakotay’s eyes flicked down for a second, almost like he was afraid to say another word, but fear lost out to sentimentality. “You’ve been nothing but an exemplary captain to this crew… I can’t see you being anything but the same as a mother.” When he looked up he was met with watering blues, an unexpected sight that immediately alarmed him. “Kathryn, I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“No, no, no, it isn’t you.” She moved a hand up to wipe away the tears that began to spill, laughing slightly as she sniffed back the emotion. “The Doctor warned me I’d be emotionally unstable the next couple of days as I got used to all these hormones... I just didn’t expect it to be this bad.” She took a second to compose herself, her vulnerability in this situation making her increasingly uncomfortable. Chakotay’s complete belief in her was not something she shared, but she was nevertheless touched by his words. However, they also struck her as almost too intimate, too personal. Kathryn wanted to both hug him and hide from him, and she didn’t find she cared much for this emotional chaos.

Instead, she turned to what she knew best, command. Chakotay could almost see the toughening of her face, the defenses coming up, but in that second, he couldn’t really find himself blaming her. It might have been a cold comfort, but for months now it was all she’d known, and as she struggled to find her way through the complexities of her new situation, it would only make sense for her to flee into her captain persona.

“I assume you’re interested in discussing the logistics of this new development?” He met her halfway, throwing her a line to quickly pull them out of the pool of emotion they’d been in and back on the stable ground of command structure and Starfleet protocols. She nodded her head, a smile gracing her face.

“Yes, yes I am. Thank you for saying that.” She wasn’t just thanking him for the conversational shift, but also his previous words. Just like a lot of what laid between them, the actual words went unspoken, but the sentiment was clear. Chakotay nodded, satisfied with what little she gave him, just like he always was.

He wondered briefly, though, just how little he’d get from here on out.

~-~-~

Forty-eight hours as a father and Tom was finding that uncertainty seemed to be the theme of the experience. He’d left the captain’s quarters the night before and returned to his, only to find he wasn’t tired and didn’t have anything to do. He’d gone to Sandríne's, hopeful a familiar place might give him comfort, but the minute the holographic characters had appeared he’d realized this hadn’t been the right move. As Ricky slid up next to him, putting her arm around his shoulders and preparing to plant a kiss on his cheek, he’d called for the computer to end the program.

It didn’t seem right to cope with all these changes by falling back to the same habits that always led him to ruin in the past. There was now too much at stake.

Retreating to his quarters, Tom was stopped along the way by a few crewmen, eager to tell him they were glad to see him well and ask what it had all felt like. He’d smiled and put on his normal affable air, but inside he was wishing they’d all leave him alone about it, especially considering every retelling of events involved some sort of sin of omission thanks to the still secret baby news.

He was a member of the senior staff, he was used to having to keep things from hitting the ranks, but this news weighed on him with all its ramifications and life-altering consequences. Sitting alone later in his quarters, sleep unwilling to visit him, he found himself thinking a lot about his father. Admiral Paris had been a perpetually busy, always demanding man, setting nothing but greater and greater expectations for his son that Tom could never seem to catch his breath in the quest to reach. If he had been around right now, how would he have reacted to this news? What advice would he have given to Tom?

What reprimand would he get first?

He dozed off at some point, waking when the alarm went off for the duty shift he no longer had that day. As he waited for his midday appointment in sickbay to make sure he wasn’t about to sprout a tail again or anything like that, Tom’s mind turned more and more to the captain. She wasn’t someone he usually thought about a great deal, in fact hardly ever outside of shift, but now she kept popping up in his mind. And it wasn’t just that he was thinking about her as the mother of his child, he genuinely wanted to know how she was, what she was thinking, what she liked.

Tom intensely wanted to know Kathryn Janeway and he really wasn’t sure why.

It pleased him way too much when he walked into sickbay and saw the captain sitting on a biobed, the Doctor scanning her midsection with a tricorder.

“Ah, Mister Paris, I was hoping you’d show up around now. Care to see your child?” The Doctor’s tone was flippant, but the question was anything but. The captain’s eyes moved over to his and Tom recognized what she was subtly trying to tell him.

He still had time to change his mind.

He could still decide not to be a part of this.

“Absolutely.”

It was a second before her lips turned up into a smile, but it eventually came out. Tom answered it with one of his own.

“I assume you’re feeling well today Tom?” Her question made the Doctor turn away from his scan for a moment to take in the lieutenant.

“Couldn’t be better. And I’m guessing you-“

“Let’s just say I’m cramming 12 weeks of symptoms in 12 hours.”

“As well as 12 weeks of prenatal care. The Captain is going to have to learn very quickly appropriate self-care.” The Doctor was by now over at the center console, plugging in the tricorder readings into the main computer. He missed the daggers Kathryn shot his way, but Tom certainly didn’t.

“Lots of things to do around here when you’re the captain Doctor. Forgive me for missing a few appointments.”

“A few would be an improvement.” Tom wasn’t liking the way the Captain was starting to look. Glares were one thing, but now she appeared to be seething. He knew enough about pregnancy to know that violent mood swings were a thing and he quickly wondered if he was about to see one in action. He watched with his breath held as Janeway went to reply, but before she could the Doctor spoke again. “Here we are, a healthy and growing 12-week old.”

Tom moved to the console screen without conscious thought, feeling the Captain moving right behind him.

The image he saw captivated him.

They’d managed to skip the part where the baby looked like a vaguely shaped mass of cells and gone straight away to a fully formed little being. He took in the nose, the hands, the feet... she was all right there in front of him and he’d never been quite so overwhelmed before.

“I can’t believe… I mean-“Tom looked helplessly over at the Captain, looking for help in trying to find the right words, but Kathryn wasn’t doing any better, in fact, she was stunned into silence, her jaw dropped slightly as she took in the life growing inside her. She’d been right when she’d guessed that a mother’s love was something that she hadn’t been able to fully comprehend the magnitude of. Seeing her child for the first time was a revelation, but instead of finding that her resolve to get this ship home dimmed in response to the love she had for this baby, she felt it simply strengthen.

Her daughter deserved to grow up on Earth, to have the same chance of running through the fields of Indiana that Kathryn had when she was young. The Delta Quadrant was fine for some species, but it wasn’t for her. Only Earth would do. She reached her hand out and placed it on Tom’s shoulder, just like she would if they were on the bridge, but this time it felt more intimate to both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback you have would be greatly appreciated. I found this chapter slightly harder and I hope it came across alright. I’m trying to make it move a little faster and stay close to canon, however, some elements will get left out.
> 
> Again, please let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a terrible writer! I am so sorry I went AWOL with this story. I didn't mean to at all, but life got CRAZY as I worked towards my graduation (a BA I've been working on since 2006... long story). I know this chapter isn't long, but it's meant to start dropping seeds for the meat of the story.
> 
> All comments and suggestions are loved and appreciated!

 

Return to duty did not mean a return to normality for Kathryn. As much as she would have liked to fall head first into command and forgot the astronomical changes heading her way, the bulge of her once flat stomach made that impossible. She thanked whatever forces ruled the universe for the leniency her uniform gave her, keeping the most visible sign of her pregnancy hidden from all those who didn't know, which was quite a long list.

Four nights after her scan where she'd seen her daughter for the first time, she'd confided in Tuvok. He was her oldest friend aboard and the person she, as captain, could count on to be the most objective in this situation. His analysis had been fair and expected. A contingency plan for when she was on maternity leave and any reduction in duty the Doctor might prescribe over the next six months would be needed, in addition to further plans for how to handle her new, uniquely split focus. Of course, she'd argued against his appraisal, declaring with certainty that once the baby was born that things would be just as they were, but Vulcan logic was too great a force for even her stubbornness to overcome.

"A good leader understands that change is necessary when circumstances dictate." She'd let out a small laugh, wanting to say something about how she was only having a child but realized the enormity of it all again and instead just nodded.

Tuvok had asked about Tom and how she planned to handle that situation. Kathryn hadn't been able to provide him with an answer, besides saying the younger man had every intention of being an involved father. He'd wanted to talk about regulation, how Starfleet would want the situation handled, but she had found no answers in its directives that would be applicable in this land without another Federation ship to cart Tom off to.

"Do you intend to pursue a romantic relationship with Mr. Paris?"

"Oh, please Tuvok, I can hardly believe you'd ask me that question." Her scoff was so absolute and definite.

"I would remind you, Captain, that human emotions are often unpredictable, and that the entanglement of a child will inevitably make your relationship more complicated."

"You don't have to tell me twice, but Mr. Paris is hardly looking to saddle himself to one woman, and even if he were I am by no means available to anyone on this crew." He saw a number of flaws with her logic but held back his critiques.

"Whatever is the case, I would urge you to remember that emotions, left unchecked, can be a significant impediment on judgment and that the more conflicted you become, the more likely it is that your ability to command will be impacted." His words had an immediate effect. Gone was the open to discussion Kathryn Janeway seeking counsel from an old friend and in her place, was the defensive Captain Janeway who guarded the line between herself and the crew like a hawk.

"I believe you've said enough _Lieutenant._ " An arched eyebrow showed he knew he hit the mark.

"If I might-"

"No Tuvok, I don't think you 'might'" Janeway moved to rise quickly, but had to sit back down, the apparent quickness of her motion not agreeing with her pregnancy, or perhaps it was the below suggested amount of food she'd eaten today. Tuvok started from his position on the other chair to help her, but a hand thrown up stopped him. A Captain annoyed was not one for help.

"Captain, all I meant to say was that it is better, in your case, to act on your emotions instead of allowing them to become a larger issue at a later date." It was both that her loyal friend and exemplary officer spoke out of turn and what he said that caught Kathryn off guard. She had been preparing to attempt to rise and leave his quarters once more, but instead, she found herself staring at him with a look akin to disbelief.

"I cannot even begin to entertain the thought of what you are suggesting right now." It was the start of a greater lecture on propriety, but Tuvok, perhaps knowing that she was in no state to be worked up, quickly cleared up his statement.

"Captain, you will soon be a mother in addition to already being the commanding officer of a crew of 147. The many decisions and responsibilities you already make will be compounded by those necessary in raising a child. You should strive to make the sexual and romantic parts of your life as easy and uncomplicated as possible to avoid further stress."

"Well, I find the best way of doing that is not having any and it's working pretty well for me so far, so I think I'll stick with." She gave him a wry smile and wink, a clear sign that this time she meant it with the conversation being over. Now feeling levelheaded, she stood up and headed towards his door. "Thank you for the conversation Tuvok." She called over her shoulder, courtesy coming as an afterthought in her quest to get out of there.

"You are most welcome Captain." As the Vulcan watched his captain walk away, he knew that his words would most likely have little impact at the moment. A stubborn adherence to what Kathryn Janeway believed Starfleet principles would have her do was the thread that held her together in this quadrant, but Tuvok was well aware that all too soon she would be faced with a daily reality that required her to expand herself beyond those teaching. He knew his friend was capable, but it required meditation for him to see how to help her become ready.

Tuvok telling her to go with her urges had not been the counsel she'd been expecting, and frankly, she found herself remarkably put off by it. That, coupled with a hunger headache that was fast making her irritable and dizzy, meant she wanted nothing more than the comfort of her quarters. She walked with a hand on her head, trying to rub away the tension that was rapidly forming behind her forehead. Gone, she realized, were the days when her health decisions caused no short-term consequences.

"Alright kid, we need to set up some ground rules. I'll keep you fed if you let me do my job, ok?" The words came out as soon as her door shut behind her, the sight of her couch calling to her. She slipped a hand down to cover her stomach as she walked towards the replicator, her tactile nature coming out as she spoke to the child growing inside her. "Now what are we going to have for dinner, hmm?" She knew that the baby had yet to gain the ability to hear what she was saying, that wouldn't be for close to another two months, but Voyager wasn't exactly hearing-capable either and Kathryn carried on plenty of conversations with it. By the time this baby was born, it would have no problem recognizing the voice of her mother.

But what about her father's? Kathryn ordered the replicator to give her a serving of Welsh rarebit, a far cry from the glory of her grandmother's version, but enough of a fix to provide her with the comfort she was longing for. The situation with Paris was delicate, it would have to be handled probably now or else by the time the baby was born there would be no hope. She was under no illusions that her life would be an easy one once her child joined them. Taking care of a newborn and a starship all at the same time would make it impossible to have the time to also try to figure out boundaries and relationships lines with Tom. No, their situation needed to be worked out before then.

But not tonight, though. Tonight, Kathryn was going to enjoy her dinner and then a bath.

"I better enjoy being alone while it lasts, shouldn't I?" She asked aloud as she sat down her meal, pulling out her chair as she did so. "Something tells me you're going to cause me nothing but trouble when you get here." Janeway looked down at her stomach and smiled before shaking her head and grabbing a fork. "But I don't think I'm going to mind that much."


End file.
